How to Have a Good Death by Planning for a Good Life

Traci Arieli
Jun 26
3 min read

We don’t like to talk about death.

Most people avoid the subject entirely until life forces them to face it. But here’s the truth: planning for a good death is about living a better life. And once you start thinking about the end, it changes how you show up each day.

I know this firsthand. I spent over 25 years working in the tech industry, chasing deadlines, meetings, titles, and other things. But when I became an end-of-life doula, I shifted. The things that used to matter (possessions, status, keeping up) didn’t anymore.

Now, what brings me joy is simple: reading a mystery novel on a Saturday evening, having a long conversation with a friend, laughing with my family, and feeling strong in my body. My priorities are clearer, and I live with great intention. I’ve realized that the way we live shapes the way we die.

And that’s what this post is about: how we can begin planning for a good death by creating a good life.

The Three Pillars of a Good Death

So what actually makes for a “good” death? It’s not about the absence of illness or the type of diagnosis. It’s about alignment between our values and how we exit this world. And in my experience, three things shape that alignment: autonomy, connection, and intention.

1. Autonomy:

Being able to make choices at the end of life is powerful. Whether completing an advance directive, identifying a healthcare proxy, or thinking through a dementia rider, having a say in how you want to be cared for is foundational. Autonomy gives us peace of mind and clarity for our loved ones when decisions are tough.

2. Connection:

Relationships often become more important near the end. We want to say what matters, repair what’s broken, and know we were loved. A good death isn’t clinical, it’s relational. Telling someone “thank you” or “I love you” can offer more comfort than any medication.

3. Intention:

When we live according to our values, we tend to die with fewer regrets. I often encourage people to create a personal mission statement, not for work, but for life. What matters most to you? Are you living in alignment with that today? Intention gives our lives meaning. When the meaning is clear, the end feels less like a cliff and more like a natural close.

Connection and Intention

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from working with people at the end of life, it’s that what matters most is not what we own or achieve, but who we loved and how well we lived.

Connection is everything.

Relationships give our lives depth, yet it’s easy to let them drift. We get busy, distracted, or assume people know how we feel. But one day, we’ll wish we had said the things we left unsaid. Why wait? Living well means making the call, writing the note, and showing up. Tell people you love them. Say thank you. Apologize when it matters. These aren’t grand gestures; they’re the daily acts that make a life feel whole.

Intention gives shape to our days.

When we live by default, life flies by. But when we live with intention, we create a rhythm that reflects who we are and what we value. Maybe that’s creating more space for stillness, making time for creativity, or surrounding yourself with people who make you feel more like yourself. You don’t need a perfect plan, you just need to begin asking: What matters most to me, and am I living that today?

Thinking about death isn’t morbid, it’s clarifying. It reminds us that our time is precious, and our presence matters. When we stop avoiding the reality of our mortality, we start paying closer attention to how we live, love, and show up right now.

Living a good life doesn’t guarantee a perfect ending. But it does increase the chances that when that moment comes, we’ll feel ready. Not because we checked off everything, but because we stayed connected, intentional, and authentic.

Death isn’t the end of the story; it’s what makes the story matter. And the good news? You’re still writing yours.