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Grief Is a Family Event







Grief doesn’t wait for death. Sometimes, it shows up early, unexpectedly, well before the goodbye. It creeps into conversations, decision-making, and everyday moments, especially when a loved one is facing the end of their life. And when grief enters a family space, it doesn’t just affect one person.  


Everyone feels it differently. Each family member brings their own connection to the person who’s dying, their own history, fears, and way of coping. And often, those differences can make an already emotional time even more complex. 


I’ve sat with families where those unspoken differences created tension. Still, I’ve also seen how honest, compassionate conversations can bring people closer. It’s not about having the right words. Just making room for each other’s grief is the most powerful thing we can do.

 

What Joe Learned Over 55 Years 

Joe Stinson has spent more than five decades in the world of grief. He began his career as a funeral director in a small town, eventually transitioning into a grief counselor and educator. What taught him the most wasn't his professional training; it was the experience of witnessing how grief can fracture people and families alike. 


One of Joe’s most enduring lessons is simple: “Grief is as unique as a fingerprint.” Even within the same family, no two people will experience a loss the same way. That reality can be disorienting. A parent might want to share memories while an adult child retreats into silence. One sibling may seek ritual and structure, while another avoids planning altogether. None of these responses are wrong; they’re just different. 


As a counselor and funeral director, Joe made space for these differences. During family meetings, he would invite each person to speak, helping them understand not only their own grief but also that of other family members. That openness laid the foundation for healing, even in the most painful moments. 


Creating Room for Grief in Families 

I once worked with a family whose mother had chosen Medical Aid in Dying. After selecting a date, the family gathered to talk about what that would mean. Their mom, who was terminally ill, was deeply concerned about how her children would manage emotionally. 

That conversation stirred up anticipatory grief, which often begins long before the loss occurs. As we spoke, it became clear that each family member was already grieving in their own way: the loss of who their mom used to be, the future she wouldn’t be part of, and the helplessness they felt. Naming that grief gave everyone permission to stop pretending they were fine and to support one another in ways that felt authentic. 


Joe often speaks about anticipatory grief. During our conversation, he shared a tool he uses when people feel overwhelmed by loss and emotions: grab a few legal pads, write the name of each person you’ve lost at the top of a page, and jot down any thoughts or memories that come to mind. By sorting out your emotions visually, you can begin to understand what belongs to which loss and make space for grief. 


Grief Has a Place Here 

Joe's work in the San Francisco Bay Area exposes him to dozens of religious and cultural traditions. Some families hold private home services over several days. Others gather in traditional temples or churches. Helping families honor these practices isn’t just about cultural sensitivity; it is a way of saying, “Your grief has a place here.”  


That same principle applies to families. Each member grieves differently. Some individuals may want to pray, others may want silence. Some may create altars; others may prefer planting a tree. The key isn’t finding a shared ritual; it’s honoring the differences. 


Open Conversations Heal 

In the moments following a death, families often feel disoriented. Emotions can run high. But when there’s space for each person to be heard, the tension gives way to connection. 

If you’re experiencing a loss, consider starting small. Ask each family member how they’d like to participate. Offer roles in planning a memorial or gathering. Create space for silence. And remember: you don’t need perfect words. Just being present is enough. 

Grief is never easy. It doesn’t follow a script. But when families lean into their differences instead of resisting them, they often find their way through it together. 

 

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