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Why You Can’t Think Your Way Through Grief

  • May 28
  • 3 min read

Understanding grief isn’t the same as easing it. 



I have a client whose wife died about seven months ago. Since her death, he’s felt overwhelmed. Simple tasks at home feel hard to start and finish. He tells me he knows what needs to be done, but he can’t seem to get himself to do it. 


There are moments when we’re talking, and I can see him start to feel overwhelmed. He’ll put his fingers to his temples, rub in small circles, and stare at the floor. Then he goes quiet. I can tell he’s trying to think his way out of it. Trying to make sense of what he’s feeling. Trying to get control of it. But he just gets more frustrated. So I’ll gently interrupt and ask him to do something that helps his body settle. For him, it’s playing a video game.  


Not what most people would expect. But after about five minutes of playing, he comes back. He feels more centered. He can focus again and move forward with what he needs to do. Nothing about his situation has changed. But his state has.  


This is something I see often. People try to understand their way through grief. They search for answers, explanations, and meaning. And while that can be helpful, it doesn’t stop the overwhelm. Because grief doesn’t just live in your thoughts. It lives in your body. 


Grief Lives in the Body 


Grief doesn’t just affect how you think. It affects your nervous system, which is why it shows up physically and can feel so hard to control. Because of that, what actually helps is giving your body something that allows it to calm down and feel grounded. 

This is often where people feel surprised. The things that help don’t always look like what they expect. They’re usually simple. Sometimes, even a little ordinary. It might be slowing your breathing for a few minutes, or going for a walk and letting your body move at its own pace. It might be doing something repetitive, like knitting, folding laundry, or even playing a video game. These aren’t ways of avoiding grief. They are ways of helping the body settle enough to carry it. 


Sometimes, the experience that helps can look a bit more spiritual in nature. It can come through quiet, intentional practices: Sitting in stillness with your eyes closed, focusing on your breath. Repeating a prayer. Following a familiar rhythm in meditation. Being in a space that feels set apart from your everyday environment. 


There can be ritual to it. Something you do, not something you figure out. The repetition, the stillness, the structure. All of it gives your body a different experience. One that can bring a sense of calm, or connection, or simply a break from the intensity. It doesn’t matter if you can explain why you feel better. What matters is what happens in your body while you’re doing the activity. Because the body doesn’t need an explanation. It needs something that helps it feel safe enough to settle. 


Reframing Grief 


At some point, it helps to stop asking how to get over grief. Because grief isn’t something you get over. It doesn’t disappear or resolve in a clean, predictable way. It changes over time. It softens in places. It becomes easier to carry. But it doesn’t go away. 


What changes is your relationship to it. At first, grief can take over everything. It can feel constant, heavy, and hard to step out of. But as your body begins to find moments of calm, even briefly, there's a little more space around it. You can feel the grief and still be able to function. You can feel it without being completely overtaken. That doesn’t mean the grief is gone. It means your system is learning how to hold it differently. And that process doesn’t come from forcing resolution. It comes from giving yourself experiences that help your body feel grounded, again and again, over time. 

 

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