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They Fell for a Scam. Now What?

  • 5 days ago
  • 4 min read

Updated: 2 days ago

A practical, shame-free guide to helping loved ones stay safe 



When someone close to you falls for a scam, your first reaction might be disbelief. I know mine was. A family member of mine lost a significant amount of money. Not once. Twice. And like so many families, we said what most people say: They should have known better. 


It’s a common reaction. Scams seem obvious when you're not the one in the middle of them. But that belief, that smart people don't fall for scams, does more harm than good. It turns concern into judgment and shuts people down when they most need support. Scams don’t work because people are foolish. They work because people are human. Especially when they’re tired, grieving, caring for someone, or just trying to get through the day. That’s when focus slips, and emotions take over. That’s when scammers strike. 


If you’re trying to help someone who’s been scammed, or you're worried it might happen, this guide is for you. We’ll talk about what really puts people at risk, how to stay connected without blaming the victim, and simple tools that actually make a difference. 


The Science of Scam Susceptibility 

Scams aren’t about intelligence. They are about timing, emotion, and overload. Decades of research confirm this. Fraud investigators and psychologists found that scammers rely on one key tactic: getting people into a heightened emotional state. They call it “the ether.” It is a mental fog created by urgency, excitement, or fear. Once someone is in that state, their logical brain is no longer running the show. Emotional pressure takes over. 


A Stanford study tested this directly. Participants were put into either a positive or a negative emotional state and then shown a fake ad. People in both emotional states, happy or upset, were more likely to believe the ad and say they would buy the product. Other research showed that scam victims had experienced twice as many stressful life events in the months before the scam, compared to those who resisted. Caregivers, grievers, and people going through transitions are especially at risk. Not because they are weak, but because their minds are already carrying a heavy load. 


What Not to Say or Do 

When you find out someone you love has been scammed, your gut reaction might be anger, frustration, or disbelief. That is human. But telling them they were foolish or careless will not help. It usually makes things worse. Victims who feel judged often shut down. They stop talking. They hide money. They might even go back to the scammer in secret, just to avoid being shamed again. 


Saying things like “How could you fall for that?” or “You’re smarter than this” might feel like tough love, but it doesn’t protect anyone. Even well-meaning warnings like “I told you not to trust strangers” can come across as scolding. When someone feels judged, they’re more likely to shut down or hide what’s really going on. That’s exactly what scammers count on. 


What Actually Helps 

Start by sitting beside them, not across from them. One man helped his girlfriend’s mother stop sending money to scammers by simply sitting with her when the mail arrived. She had been entering fake sweepstakes and mailing checks to claim supposed prizes. He didn’t tell her to stop. He asked if they could open the letters together, just so he could learn more. After a few weeks, she looked up and said, “I never win. I don’t think I want to do this anymore.” She figured it out herself, but only because someone who did not judge her was there. 


  • Listen without correcting. Let them explain what happened. 

  • Be curious. Ask them what they were told and how it made them feel. 

  • Offer to help review messages or mail together. Make it a shared task, not an inspection. 

  • Validate their emotions. It probably felt real at the time. That matters. 


If They’re Still in the Scam 

If your loved one is still talking to the scammer, logic will not work. They are still in the emotional fog. Instead of pushing facts, focus on staying close. 

What to do: 


  • Continue communicating. Let them know you are always available to talk. No shame. No lectures. 

  • Offer a simple pause rule. Ask them to wait 24 hours before sending any money, just so they can talk it through with you. 

  • Do not try to “win.” You are not in a debate. You are in a relationship. That is what matters most. 


Tools That Make a Difference 

There are practical ways to protect your loved one, especially if they are open to collaborating: 


  • Set up transaction alerts. Most banks let you get an email or text anytime money is withdrawn. 

  • Freeze credit reports. This stops new accounts from being opened and is free to do. 

  • Install a call blocker. Apps like Nomorobo or RoboKiller can screen most scam calls. 

  • Co-monitor accounts with permission. A read-only login or being added to a checking account can help catch fraud early. 

  • Create a standing agreement. For example, “If either of us gets a message about money, let’s agree to wait a day and check it out together.” 

 

Scams do not target foolish people. They target human moments. No one is immune. Not lawyers. Not caregivers. Not your most careful friend. The goal is not to spot every scam. The goal is to slow down, take a few deep breaths, and stay grounded.  

 

Links/Resources 

 

References for The Science of Scam Susceptibility Section 

  • Kircanski, K., Notthoff, N., DeLiema, M., Samanez-Larkin, G. R., Shadel, D., Mottola, G., Carstensen, L. L., and Gotlib, I. H. (2018). Emotional arousal may increase susceptibility to fraud in older and younger adults. Psychology and Aging, 33(2), 325–337. https://doi.org/10.1037/pag0000228 

  • Williams A, Choi-Allum L, Shadel D, Pak K, Raineville C. A MOMENT’S NOTICE: RECOGNIZING THE STRESSFUL LIFE EVENTS, EMOTIONS, AND ACTIONS THAT MAKE US SUSCEPTIBLE TO SCAMS. Innov Aging. 2022 Dec 20;6(Suppl 1):615. doi: 10.1093/geroni/igac059.2289. PMCID: PMC9766790. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9766790/ 

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