Living with Alzheimer’s: A Journey of Love, Loss, and Compassionate Choice

Erica and John Backus shared 41 years of marriage, filled with laughter, gardening, travel, and a deep, abiding love that weathered life’s most profound challenges. When John was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, the couple didn’t just brace for decline; they leaned harder into joy and a shared understanding that when the time came, John’s ending would reflect the life he lived: deliberate, dignified, and free.

Their story is not just about a disease; it’s about dignity, autonomy, and the courage it takes to walk with someone you love toward the end, hand in hand.

Early Signs & Diagnosis

In 2017, during a vacation in Vienna, Erica noticed something unsettling. John, always the confident map reader, stood turning the paper map in his hands, confused and agitated. He couldn’t orient himself, and when Erica offered help, he lashed out in frustration- a rare moment for the even-tempered man she knew so well.

At first, they both brushed it off. Once home, John seemed fine again. But subtle changes persisted. Forgetfulness, disorientation, and eventually, John himself expressing concern about his memory. It wasn’t until early 2020, after tests at UCSF’s Memory and Aging Center, that the words “early cognitive impairment consistent with Alzheimer’s” were spoken. The diagnosis, while clarifying, also marked the beginning of a long emotional shift for both of them.

John had always said, “My brain is my person. If I don’t have a brain, I don’t want to be here.” With that clarity, the path ahead began to take shape.

Living with Purpose

Rather than retreating into fear or grief, Erica and John chose to live with intention. They continued to golf - John with his buddies on Thursdays and the two of them together on weekends. They traveled to Spain for four weeks, later to France, and took one last trip with their children and grandchildren to Hawaii.

Their rhythm slowed by design. Erica adjusted their travel plans to include more rest and more quiet. Each day became a deliberate choice to embrace joy while they could. “Today is a gift,” they would say to one another. “I love you.”

Although the disease progressed, there were periods of stability. John would plateau, then decline, then plateau again. Erica learned not to correct him, especially in front of others, and to preserve his dignity in both large and small ways. And as her role shifted more toward caregiver, she tried to let love, not fear, lead the way.

The Choice

From the beginning, John was clear about one thing: he didn’t want to live without his mind. His question to the doctors after diagnosis wasn’t about treatments or timelines; it was, “How long before I’m a vegetable?” The average, they told him, was five years.

John’s independence was central to his identity. He knew what Alzheimer’s did to Erica’s mother. He had no intention of lingering in a body that no longer matched his identity. So he made a decision, one they had quietly discussed for years: he would choose a medically assisted death.

At first, they didn’t know such an option was possible. However, they eventually learned about the process followed in Switzerland. It wasn’t an easy path, logistically or emotionally. But for John, it was the right one. Erica stood by him, not out of resignation, but in deep alignment with the values they had shared throughout their life together.

Final Day in Switzerland

On their last morning together, Erica laid out the new sweatpants she had bought for John. They were soft, warm, chosen with care.

They sat at a breakfast table in Zurich, waiting for a doctor to arrive. When asked if he had changed his mind, John replied without hesitation: “No. This is what I want to do. This is my decision.”

Later, in a quiet house surrounded by windows, John lay in a hospital bed, Erica curled beside him. He drank the bitter liquid that would end his life, then stuffed Swiss chocolates into his mouth to mask the taste. Within minutes, his arm fell limp. Erica placed her hand on his chest and waited until she could no longer feel his heartbeat.

“I knew his life had left him,” she would write later. “I leaned over and gave John one last kiss goodbye. Then I left for the airport, knowing I was leaving my life behind me.”

Aftermath & Grief

In the months that followed, Erica grieved deeply, but she also wrote. Her memoir became both a tribute to John and a way to process her own grief. She has since mentored others considering similar paths, offering the support she once wished she’d had.

Erica still tends the garden John loved, now blooming under her care. In quiet moments, she sits among the plants and remembers. Their story didn’t end in Zurich; it continues in every life she touches with her honesty, courage, and unwavering love.

Links/Resources  

Guest: Erica Baccus – https://ericabaccus.com  

Book: A Promise Kept: Honoring His Wishes, Embracing Our Love  

Mentioned: In Love by Amy Bloom – https://www.amybloom.com  

Organization: Dignitas – https://www.dignitas.ch  

Advocacy: A Better Exit – https://www.abetterexit.org  

Podcast Episode- Death with Dignity in Switzerland: A Husband’s Final Choice : https://watch.comfortingclosure.com/death-with-dignity-switzerland