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The Silent Generation: Why Our Parents Won’t Talk About Death

  • Feb 5
  • 4 min read

I talk about death for a living. I’ve had conversations with clients, colleagues, and guests on over a hundred podcast episodes. But my own parents? They won’t touch the topic. They’re in their 80s. They don’t have an advance directive. My mom once told me, “It’s too depressing,” and shut the conversation down. She’s even apologized for not listening to my podcast because it feels too close to home. And I get it. I really do. But I also know how important it is to talk about these things before it becomes urgent. 


If you’re in the same spot - frustrated, worried, trying to open a door that won’t budge - you’re not alone. Many of us in our 40s, 50s, and 60s are watching our parents age without having these conversations. And it’s not because we haven’t tried. 


It’s Not Just Your Family. It’s Their Entire Generation. 


The shift away from dying at home started a long time ago. During the Civil War, embalming became common so bodies could be transported from battlefields. That was the start of the funeral industry as we know it. 


Our parents, both from the Silent Generation and the early Baby Boomer years, grew up with death handled quietly, often out of view. By the time they were adults, most people were dying in hospitals. Funeral homes handled the details. Grief was something to manage in private. 


The Silent Generation and Baby Boomers also came of age during a time when medicine was booming. Polio was conquered. Antibiotics were saving lives. Heart surgery, chemotherapy, and ventilators became standard. The message was clear: death could be postponed, maybe even avoided. My father believed that. Until he turned 80, he genuinely believed that science would eventually reach a point where he could live forever. Not just longer...forever. He’s let go of that belief now. These days, he says he’s aiming to make it past 100. 


It’s kind of funny, but it also says a lot. That kind of faith in medicine was everywhere when our parents were younger. Talking about dying felt unnecessary, even risky. Like it might undo all that progress. Like they might jinx themselves just by saying it out loud. So, when we mention end-of-life planning, we’re not just asking hard questions. We’re challenging beliefs they’ve carried for decades. 


It’s Not a One-Time Talk 


I used to think that maybe we’d talk about it during one of my visits. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, and they’re in Chicago. I thought, if we had a few days together - unhurried, just the three of us- we’d find a way to talk about the hard stuff. That’s just not going to happen.  


I’ve tried. 


It’s overwhelming for everyone. Every time I’ve brought it up, the conversation either stalls or shuts down completely. What I’ve learned is that discussing end-of-life plans isn’t a single, comprehensive conversation. It’s a bunch of small ones, embedded within other conversations.  


What Sometimes Helps - How To Talk To Parents About Death


Here are a few things that have worked better. Not perfectly, but better. 


Talk about yourself first. 

Instead of asking what they want, try sharing what you’re thinking about for your own future. You could say something like, “I just filled out my advance directive. It made me think about what really matters to me. Have you ever thought about that?” 


Use stories to start the conversation. 

Fiction can be a great bridge. A character in a show, a storyline in a movie, or even a news article can spark a lighter entry point. 

“I watched something the other day, and it made me wonder: what would I do in that situation?” 


Ask about values, not scenarios. 

People don’t always know what kind of care they’d want. But they usually know what they value. Try asking, “What makes life worth living for you?”, "What is a perfect day to you?”, or, “What would you never want to lose?” 


Talk about what they’ve seen. 

When I work with people, we almost always begin by discussing what they’ve witnessed. Did they see their own parents die? Did they care for a sibling, a spouse, a friend? I ask them, “What was that experience like for you?” 


Many will say things like, “I don’t ever want to go through what my father went through,” or “Watching her suffer like that... I couldn’t do it.”  Those memories shape what they want now. And talking about those past experiences can give you both a place to begin. 


What Probably Won’t Work 


  • Leading with statistics or facts 

  • Pressuring them to fill out forms 

  • Making it about “being responsible” 

  • Getting frustrated when they shut down 


I’ve tried all of those. I get it. But it usually pushes the door closed even tighter. 


Some parents may never want to talk about death. That’s hard to accept. 

But your efforts still matter. Even if they never say it, your gentle persistence might influence the decisions they eventually make. 


And in the meantime, you can model what it looks like to prepare. You can have your own documents in order. You can talk openly with your kids or partner. You can create space in your family culture for honest conversations. Sometimes, that’s how the shift begins. 


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